I just left Jen Hatmaker's blog, whom I love if you didn't know. She has been doing a series of must reads for the summer. Last week she wrote about Jennie Allen's book Anything: The Prayer that Unlocked My God and My Soul. I've added the book to my "to-read" list in Goodreads.
The end of Jen's post (yes, we're on a first name basis) asked the question What are you most afraid of giving to God? What is your anything?
Isn't that a question that's been set before everyone of us at one point or another that we've prayed we would never have to answer. Last month my family went through a series of deaths and tough events that left us raw. June 2012 will be a month that will forever rest in my memory. I won't depress you with the events of the whole month, but I'll fast forward to end of the month. My mom had knee surgery on June 20. After two deaths and two funerals in June, I was on edge walking into this routine surgery. However, momma made it out with flying colors. Family and friends gathered in her room throughout the evening. It was around 9:00 pm that the last one left. We decided to go to bed early, it had been a long day.
About 15 minutes later momma mentions that she's starting to feel pain. I got out of the fold out chair-bed to press the nurse call button that she couldn't quite reach. Milliseconds after I pressed the button I watched her body jerk, her eyes roll back so I could only see the white, and her body start to convulse as she was having a siezure. Frantic I ran into the hallway and called a nurse who came running. I kept thinking it's too much too soon. It's simply too much. We had just buried my husband's grandmother at the beginning of the month. She died in the same hospital mind you.
The nurses and doctors came in and shooed me out. In the hallway, I half listened to what was going on? They asked questions about heart failure and then I heard "do you have the paddles?" It was in those short moments that I came face to face with the very real possibility that I might loose my mom that night. It was something I never wanted to deal with. For as long as I remember I've told God, "she's got to live forever." Anyone close to me knows that. I left a car dealer who had already started drawing up the purchase paperwork when he said something to the effect of 'she's only got a few good years left.' Walked out and never walked back.
Yet, there I was. In the white hallway, alone. I placed my head against the cold wall, and simply prayed: "I won't stand in Your way any longer. If you want her to come home I will not try to hold her here. I'm turning it over to you God. Let Your will be done." My tears quieted. A few moments later the nurses started to exit the room. Two of them stopped to hug me and tell me she was fine.
She was fine. She is fine.
Yet, on June 20, 2012 I was face to face with the scariest question I've had to answer to God in my 27 years. What am I most afraid of giving to God? My family. He showed me in that moment that He would never leave me or forsake me! He promised it! I felt Him, even when I was the most alone.
What if God could do anything He wanted with our lives?
Truth is God can do anything He wants with our lives. Yet, what if we gave him free reign? We didn't jump in to take control or try to fix things ourselves? What if we welcomed Him in and let him stir up the pot?
I'd be lying if I said that question didn't scare me a bit.
